Legend of the Cubic Guardian

edited February 2017 in Off-Topic 17.75 Karma
(In Tales of Cubic Castles, The Only Moneybags bought a graphic novel titled "Legend of the Cubic Guardian", penned by Sir Qbalot Knight, The Platinum Paladin. You can figure out, that means ME! :D So, I had to write an epic about the youngest Patron God. For those that play Tales of Cubic Castles, a sheet will be added to the Database to reflect the new-found knowledge about The Cubic Guardian. Plus, in-character, you can buy a copy of this book in either the Miscellaneous Store or the Bookstore. Since the drawing would take FOREVER, here's the story in the meantime.)


Once upon a time, not THAT long ago (probably only 300 Cubic Years ago), there was a baby Qbee instilled with the genetics of multiple other races, including human and a few other copyrighted names. lol. He is in essence a Chimera! And he was given the potential to use all of the Magic Powers of Absurd OPness from the get-go, but he just needed to find someone who can help him unlock that potential. Thus begun his quest.

He traveled far and wide, meeting other great heroes, and joining their battles which had inadvertently started to pool a reputation around his name. His exact name is shrouded in mystery, but some think he was a "Knight". The surviving records from that far ago are inconsistent and oftentimes contradictory, so any credible source has yet to be found. The only constants were that he was found in the company of many heroes from the time, long before he was a legend, never mind a Patron God.

But it was not until he found the Hall of Badbleeps, that he had the answer to his need for unlocking his unlimited inner strength. Another far older Patron God, Mark Cubell, gave him the insight he needed. As he dedicated himself to the studies of the amazing Spirit Blade, the young boy balanced his body, mind, and spirit, until all three facets could harmonize and combine for a single symphony of united power. Then -
*WHAM!* The intensity from this synergy hit critical mass, and this is when the "Unique Skill" was invented. This was when our boy rose to power, with his own "Unique Skill" being the power to create nuclear explosions on demand! And he was completely unharmed from his own explosions. But he was not a God yet. And yet, such a "Unique Skill" is too powerful for mere mortals to even comprehend, much less wield.

The Spirit of Mark Cubell personally mentored the boy, working day and night to improve the skills of the apprentice until that moment when he could ascend on his own merits, surpassing this one key criteria by itself. The true potential was unlocked, so now all he needed was an opportunity. And that opportunity came to him upon the cries of "scammers"; thievery as a problem was as old as time. It was simple using his overpowered magnitude to smite the wrongdoers, but still, those crooks somehow found ways to justify in their own minds that they were in the right, even when they clearly and unarguably violated the rights of their fellow Qbees. The Cubic Guardian knew this would never do; he was merely treating the symptom, but not going at the heart of the problem. The heart was right in their nature. To this day, The Cubic Guardian finds himself frustrated at the conundrum which keeps the scammer wheel turning, for rewriting their nature would be an act of tyranny.

Putting that aside, he had other paths for beating back evil in its rawest form. He started to become the "Legendary Hero of the Cosmos" once he forged his famous "Mystic Mythril Armor" from the fires of Hell's Forge, after humbling Satan in a one-on-one slapfight and besting the devil himself. The humiliation was too great, and Satan retreated to try and hibernate, hoping that once he would awake, the shame would be long since forgotten. That event alone was only the beginning, not the end, of his montage of eternal glory. He later refined his explosive power to the magnitude where he alone could obliterate entire planets! Hey, you've got to break some eggs to make a cake, amiright? :P But, he had a *little* too much fun in the process. This worried Mark Cubell, but with time and discipline in the ways of Patience, The Cubic Guardian had promised to only use this amazing power when it would NOT end the civilizations of "innocents".

But the end of that path was not until he had found the Astral Sword of the Gods, which was ironically at first in the form of a pen. The Cubic Guardian was puzzled at first, but realized it could take either form. Whether the pen or the sword was mightier, it mattered not; he mastered both.

After having invented THE "Unique Skill", slapping around Satan, crushing all the crooks he could find like the cockroaches they were, and creating two truly ultimate pieces of gear, there was one final challenge that awaited him on his long road. A dark cousin in his image spawned from the will of The Baleful Box. The two cousins duked it out, but each swipe was equally parried. Whatever the trick, it was as fruitless and foolish as fighting your own reflection in a mirror. But they did have one difference: one worked for good, the other evil. The fight boiled down to a debate about philosophy, and why the evil ways are invariably frowned-upon and should be forever annihilated from existence. The dark shadow nullified itself, leaving a special reminder of its existence: THE NULL HAT! This is just a mythical artifact, but if the lore is to be believed, THE NULL HAT was meant to be what remains of the dark shadow from that episode, a reminder that there was once a time when evil existed. THE NULL HAT defies science by its very fabrication, and it has only been spoken about in legend. These reports are refuted at best and flat-out ignored at worst.

After these numerous battles and conflicts, each one more epic and intense than the last, The Cosmic Cow itself, almighty creator of the entire Cubic Existence, could discard his majesty no longer. The Cosmic Cow awarded his unique title, thus officially dubbing the heroic boy, "The Cubic Guardian". And this was when he was welcomed into the Hall of Badbleeps as their youngest Patron God. And being the Inventor of the "Unique Skill", this is why those who worship his achievements and his essence are granted a bonus "Unique Skill" themselves.

All hail The Cubic Guardian!


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